"Gee, she thinks I'm a real person!"
The Apostle Paul was a confirmed bachelor. His call to be a missionary was so compelling that he could not be a parent and experience the joys of a personal family, but he filled that need by using the congregations that he founded as his family. His letters are filled with loving words which remind us of a proud parent writing to a child.
Paul's letter to the congregation in Thessalonica is a classic example of this familial love. In poignant words he says:
"We did everything for you that parents would do for their children. We chose to be like a gentle mother to you, nursing her child...we cared so much for you that we were willing to give our lives, sharing ourselves with you. You remember how night and day we struggled to make a living and not be a burden...we were pure and honest in all our dealings...and we begged, encouraged, and urged each of you to live in a way that would honor God." (I Thess. 2)
While Paul may not have been an individual parent, he certainly knew a lot about the joys, struggles and meaning of parenting. And so, on this day which we celebrate remembering our mothers, I would like to share with you for a few moments five marks of what it means to be a parent. We will use Paul's marvelous letter as our guide:
1. First and foremost, we must be gentle and loving like a mother nursing her child. I think we all have seen or experienced this in motherhood--the gentle, unbounded love for the child she holds, loves and nurses.
Last week I watched a PBS nature series about warthogs. They are, as the name implies, rather ungainly, ugly creatures which live in the African plains. This particular documentary showed a year's life cycle of the warthog living through the wet and dry seasons. At one point near the end of the dry season, many animals were dying for lack of food and water.
One particular animal--a mother warthog--was very near death, standing silently with head drooped. But then an amazing thing happened. Seeing her two children, this dying mother knelt down on her forelegs so that her two baby hogs could nurse and thus stay alive. The camera moved in and captured this ultimate act of gentle love, of a mother giving totally of herself for her children.
Not many of us will be called to make this kind of parental sacrifice, but I think we get the point. We are called as parents to love and support our children through thick and thin and, if need be, to the end.
2. We must be ready and willing to share our lives with our children. The key word here is share. This second mark of parenting suggests that we live our lives openly and transparently, so that our children can not only learn from us, but also know us for who we really are. Paul is big on sharing his whole life with his congregation. There were very few secrets between them.
I think this must be true for good parenting as well. I have learned that when I share my struggles, fears, hopes and dreams with my child, we form a deep and long-lasting bond. I don't need to hide who I am and how I feel with her. I can be real and still be a parent in charge.
I have also discovered that children know when we are not totally present with them. We have all experienced what one mother and her five-year-old did who were in the kitchen together one morning preparing breakfast. Mom was very busy and the child was full of talk. At one point, the child reached up, drew her mother's face down to hers and said, "Mommy, you're not inside your eyes. Stop and listen to me."
There is a corollary to this second mark of parenting. That is, we must also allow our child to be real and present to us as well. A story which makes this point:
A family was on vacation and stopped for lunch at a roadside restaurant. The waitress came over and took their order When she asked the young boy what he would like, he nervously looked at his parents and then blurted out, "I'd like a hot dog, please." His mother interrupted, telling the waitress he would have what she was ordering. But the waitress ignored the mother and said, "Did you want ketchup or mustard on your hot dog?" Somewhat startled, the boy replied, "I'll take ketchup." There was a stunned silence at the table. Finally, the young boy spoke up, "Gee, she thinks I'm a real person!"
3. Like Paul, who struggled night and day, parenting requires that we work hard to support our families. I grew up as a Depression baby, so I know exactly what Paul means by this mark of parenting. My parents worked day and night to support their family. And though we now live in an age of plenty, I am aware that parents must still work hard to keep their families supported and together, both literally and figuratively.
Psychologists tell us that we must work on our marriages in order to keep them vigorous and healthy. This is true for parenting as well. Parenting requires a lot of unselfish giving, personal commitment and a good bit of that old-fashioned virtue--responsibility.
Paul's last two marks of good parenting have to do with behavior--ours and our children's.
4. We must be pure and honest in all our dealing, righteous and blameless in our behavior. This mark has to do with something I have been teaching at conventions all around our country--ethical leadership. One of the points I make early on is that if the leader of a corporation is ethical, then generally the members of that business group will follow his example. Moral behavior begins at the top and works its way down.
This is obviously true in families as well. We all know that children mimic our behavior. If we tell little white lies around the house, our children learn very quickly that lying is O.K. Being a parent means that we must model the behavior we want our children to emulate and learn. It is as simple as that. Now, along with modeling our behavior, we must, as Paul put it so well:
5. Urge, encourage and even beg our children to live in a way which honors God. Paul never made any excuses for the moral behavior of his congregation and he never tolerated bad behavior. He was clear and straightforward about God's rules of life and his letters are filled with detailed exhortations about behavior. For example, in this letter to the Ephesians, he outlines some rules for right living:
Stop lying and tell the truth.
Don't go to bed angry and don't steal.
Be honest and work hard, and
Give to people in need.
Don't talk dirty, this makes God's spirit sad.
Don't yell at each other or be rude, but
Be kind and merciful....
I think you get the point, for if that little exhortation from Ephesians sounds familiar, it could well have been a talk you gave to one of your children many times over. I recently ran across this short piece from The Reader's Digest:
There are three things that all children must know:
who's the boss; what the rules are, and who is going
to enforce them."
Paul's congregation, like our children, lived in a very permissive society and so he made these three things very clear. It worked two thousand years ago--and will in our families today.
Well, that's enough teaching for now. My thanks to Paul for his most helpful analogy about parental love and support, and for giving us a simple and practical lesson for this Mother's Day. I want to close with a true story which makes its own fundamental point about life in families. Above all, it is mutual care, love and trust which form the backbone of a healthy, happy family.
During the days of World War II in London (the time was known as the London Blitz when bombs fell so frequently), a mother holding her small son by the hand ran from a building which had been struck by a bomb. In the yard was a hole still filled with smoke from a previous blast. It was a perfect shelter for them. The mother jumped in, then held her arms up for her son to follow. But the small boy, hearing his mother's voice urging him to jump, cried out, "I can't see you, Mom! I can't see you!" The mother, however, could see her son outlined against the distant flames in the night sky. She shouted back, "But I can see you, son! Jump!" And the boy jumped.
That is the kind of mutual trust which makes strong families. Amen.
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