"Brad was always very supportive of everyone. He wanted to help people learn how to make good decisions. If something had to be done, he'd say, 'Just do it! Do whatever is necessary to make changes in your life!'" (Carol Hall)
Jason lay unconscious in the trauma unit at Desert Hospital. He was terribly battered and bruised, the extent of his injuries still unknown. The car had hit him broadside while he tried to cross the street on his bike. He bounced off the windshield and onto the street.
After receiving the dreaded call, Jason's mother stood by his bedside experiencing that cold, bone-chilling fear which alternately stabs, then numbs, not knowing whether her eleven-year-old son would live or die. It's that kind of pain which seems reserved for parents, the kind of fear which the prophet Simeon predicted for Mary, the mother of Jesus, when he told her that it would not be long before a sword would pierce her heart.
"When I got to the hospital," said Jason's mom, "I stood there over his bed and all I could think of to say was, "I'm sorry, Jason, I'm sorry. I forgive you for all the little resentments and hurts I've carried this week. I'm sorry for my feelings of anger and for our arguments. Please get well."
The next day, as it became clear that Jason was on the mend and would heal without major injuries, I talked with his mother. "Why did it take this trauma to make me understand the importance of forgiveness in my life?" she said. "I guess I'm lucky. I learned this before it was too late. It must be awful to lose someone you love before you can tell them you forgive all the hurts and pains and resentments that you've stored up."
This happened some two weeks ago. Jason is home now and doing fine and with his mom's permission, it seemed appropriate for me to reflect on her experience on this day on which we remember mothers. For a great learning has emerged from her suffering, a gift which we can all share--the importance of forgiveness as an ongoing activity in our lives.
Let's begin with a simple definition from author/theologian Lewis Smedes, whose book, Forgive And Forget, I highly recommend.
"Forgiving is God's invention for coming to terms with a world in which, despite our best intentions, people are unfair to each other, and hurt each other deeply. God began by forgiving us and He invites us all to forgive each other."
Unfortunately, forgiving--letting go of these hurts and resentments on a daily basis--is hard to do, especially when we don't deserve the hurt or pain, as is often the case with parenting. For when we invest ourselves in deep personal relationships, we open our hearts to wounds, especially when our trust, our hopes and dreams are violated.
The apostle Peter reflects our frustrations when he demanded of Jesus, "Just how many times must I forgive my brother, seven?" "No," responded Jesus, "seventy times seven." That's four hundred and ninety times...and in my mind, this comes out to a lot of forgiving. That's saying, "I forgive you," every day for nearly a year and a half.
But I suspect that's the way it has to be to us struggling humans. Every day must be a new beginning. For we are being unfair to ourselves if we continue to drag the pain of yesterday into each new morning. It piles up, as I suspect Jason's mother learned, and eventually the accumulation of pain and hurt dwarfs the old injury. And, as one old proverb puts it so well, "Hate, resentment and vengeance generally do more harm to the vessel in which they are stored than upon the one they are poured."
Now, with this background in mind, let's explore three good and helpful ways to take on the fine art of forgiving.
First, I've discovered that I don't like to carry around the burdens of pain and resentment. When I hold on to them, they grow like weeds. I fantasize too much and get to feeling downright yucky. The more I can let go (forgive), the better I feel. It's as simple as that. When I forgive I feel better. I read a story one time about when the Moravian missionaries first went to evangelize the arctic Eskimos. They could not find a word in Eskimo language for forgiveness, so they had to compound one. It turned out to be ISSU'MAGIJ'OU'JUNG'NER'MIK--a compound word which has a startling simple understanding of forgiveness. It translates "not-being-able-to-think-about-it-anymore."
The Oxford Dictionary supports this kind of definition: "Forgiveness is to cease to harbor resentment." We are to be like an empty harbor in which no vessels of ill will remain in dry dock.
Secondly, along with personal forgiveness, we must also learn to forgive as a community (e.g. family, church, nation), for the burden of resentment and pain can destroy a group just as easily as an individual.
There is a stunning picture of community forgiveness in a book, The Great Hunger, by John Bojer. The lead character, Peer Holm, had been a famous engineer as a young man. But now his health is declining and so he spends his last days in the village in which he grew up, his home.
He had a crude neighbor with a vicious dog. One day, even though Peer Holm had pleaded with the neighbor to keep the dog chained, the huge beast attacked Holm's daughter and killed her. Thereafter, the village ostracized and shunned Holm's neighbor. In the spring, when that neighbor plowed his field, the merchants in the village refused to sell him any grain, so his field lay bare. One moonlit night Peer Holm took a half bushel of his own grain to his neighbor's field and sowed it, so that he would not starve in the winter. When the crops grew in the neighbor's field, and there was a bare spot in Peer Holm's field, the townspeople figured out what had happened.
"Why did you do it?" they asked.
"I did it," responded Holm, "in order that God might exist in our community again."
Communities have a powerful way to hold onto hurts and resentments. Holm's villagers knew that if they let "that awful man" starve long enough, he would come begging for forgiveness. Their need to punish was greater than their need to forgive.
But that's not the way it works, said Jesus. For like Peer Holm, someone in a community must take the first step to forgiveness, lest that community face the great danger of losing its soul. We see this happening in Ireland, in the Middle East, in Bosnia, indeed in too many places around the world.
The greatest example of stepping forward with forgiveness is, of course, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross once and for all time and all people. It is through His atoning death and glorious resurrection that we can find the strength to take our little steps of forgiveness within our communities, to begin the process of healing--to let God back in our midst.
Thirdly, if you are having a hard time forgiving and forgetting, ask for God's help.
Some of you have shared with me how difficult it is to forget the past--the hurt, the sense of outrage which we carry inside. I'm not sure we can do this by ourselves, to completely erase major offenses to body and soul is major league stuff! And I think we need help.
We are like the little girl who was working with her mother in the garden preparing the ground for planting. The child was trying to move a rock from the flower bed. She tugged and heaved, but it wouldn't move. Finally, exhausted, she said, "I can't do it, Mom."
Looking on, her mother said, "But you haven't used all your strength." The little girl bent down again and pulled with all her might, but still no success. She looked at her mother in sheer frustration. Smiling, her mother repeated, "But you still haven't used all your strength. You haven't asked me to help you."
We all need some help. Good counseling can be extremely helpful. There are wonderful therapeutic tools available to help us face and let go of our injured feelings. But along with reforming our human nature, we need God's power and grace to transform it. For only God can penetrate the deepest caverns of our soul where final healing can take place. Do not underestimate the power of God to work miracles in your life--and give Him the permission and time to do it.
Finally, remember that a little prayer goes a long way in helping us push out old wounds and resentments. As we've all discovered, our brains can hold just so much stuff. Prayer can displace resentment. So pray for yourself, but also ask for some prayer support from others. It works!
Let's be like the little five-year-old boy who just wouldn't behave in church. One Mother's Day he constantly squirmed and talked and the final straw came when his mother handed Johnny a crayon. He threw it across the aisle and it bounced off the head of an elderly parishioner.
Dad instantly picked Johnny up, tossed him over his shoulder and headed down the aisle to the back doors. As dad dashed to the rear, Johnny was looking forward at the amazed congregation. Every eye followed them out and just as they reached the doors, the lad bellowed out in a loud clear voice that all could hear: "Please pray for me!"
From the mouths of babes, the best advice of all, "Please pray for me!" Amen.
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