"In 1970 we moved to Coronado and Brad developed a form of colitis. It frightened him; he'd never been ill, he missed four weeks of work, he said he felt very depressed. The experience had a profound effect on him. He loved being in the Navy, but he began to question his life. What did he want? Where was he going? He began his search." (Carol Hall)
A short while ago a friend and parishioner came in to talk. We chatted for awhile about a lot of things--our successes and failures, the church and God, about life in general and ourselves in particular. Finally, as she was preparing to leave, I asked rather casually, "How's your faith doing?"
"Not so good," was her instant reply. "I try hard, God knows. I've been trying hard most of my life! I think about God; I read lots of religious books; I struggle to understand the Bible. I go to church, seek advice from friends and I work at being a good person...but something is missing. Sometimes I see that something in the eyes of other people," she said. "They have what I want, but I don't know what it is or how to get it. I always seem to be preparing but never getting there."
Her directness and honesty took me aback for a few moments until it finally occurred to me that she was a Martha, living out the gospel role of Martha, all the while longing to become a Mary.
So, Martha, here is my response to your longing, which mostly comes out of my own personal struggle to become a Mary and sit at God's feet. For that little household of the two cousins in Bethany is in reality a microcosm of the world at large and, indeed, a mirror of the two sides of every one of us. Much of the time we are like Martha, so preoccupied with preparations for great life events that often we never quite get to live and enjoy them. How many times have we put so much energy into preparing for that trip or dinner party or wedding that when the time finally comes we cannot really participate in or enjoy the event?
The problem is that many of us live out our religion at its edges in Martha-like preoccupation and preparation. We spend a lot of time wondering what is worthwhile, we seek advice, we pray and read and work hard at developing our beliefs and ourselves, but we never quite let go.
Jim Fenhagen, Dean of General Seminary, writes in a new book called Invitation To Holiness about the differences between the edges and center of human beings. "Most of us," he says, "seem to be more concerned with strengthening our boundaries than opening up our centers. And, as a result, our edges become hard and brittle barricades and we leave the center of our lives relatively unattended."
Martha, the answer to your predicament is simple, yet it is also very difficult. Somewhere along the way you have to let go of all your preparations to meet and welcome Jesus into your home--and do so! Allow the edges and boundaries of your life to crack and let God in.
I had to take this step in my life a few years ago. I remember I was in Coronado sitting on my bed upstairs recovering from an illness and wondering what was going to happen to my life. I knew that I was a Christian, working hard at my faith and living as well as I could, but I was scared and I knew something was missing. I had just finished reading one of the Gospels (Luke, I think) and was staring out the window when it occurred to me to finally let go--to say "yes." That's all, just say "yes":
Yes to the story of Jesus that I had read
Yes to the life God had given me to live
Yes to Jesus Christ as my Savior
I'm not sure I knew what that meant at the time and my life didn't change radically, but I knew I had surrendered some of my control and will to God. And I knew that my intellectual faith had now a personal side to it. I was now both Martha and Mary. I want to tell you that this surrender was a hard thing to do for this rational, levelheaded engineer. It's hard to accept the utterly irrational promise that God did not require me to be fully prepared or perfectly good or fully worthwhile.
We don't have to find the right time or a right place to accept His love and presence into the very center of our beings. We do not have to give up our reason, our intelligence, our knowledge, our emotions, our likes or dislikes, our money, our hopes or our dreams. Rather, we place them all in God's hands and side with Him. The fact is that no matter who you are or what you've done, God wants you on His side. There is nothing you have to do or be. "It's on the house," says one theologian--it goes with the territory of being human.
"Who knows how the awareness of God's love first hits people. Each of us has her own story to tell, but at some moment in our lives something happens to us so that we say yes right down to the roots of our hair and when that happens, all the barriers and edges break down, and we throw our arms around such moments and hug them like crazy."
Being a Christian at its basic level is not growth but transformation. It is not a learning about Christ, it is an encounter with Him. Oh, yes, we do need to grow in faith and learn about our religion; we need to study Scriptures and pray and serve. But that comes after our transformation, after we've turned our faces to God and said "yes, I surrender my will to your Sovereignty. I accept Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord of Life," even though I'm not sure what that means.
Archbishop William Temple recognized this when he said in his wonderfully English way:
"That which is ultimate in us craves for the ultimate truth of reality--and it can be satisfied with nothing else. It is only when we are ready to stake our lives on something being ultimately true that the true nobility of human nature appears."
By staking our life on Christ and the Gospel we come to understand that the fundamental relationship between God and us is love and forgiveness and entrance into His kingdom and, of course, it all has to do with that elusive thing we call salvation.
Long hot summers are a good time for us to reflect on this and ask ourselves, as my friend asked herself:
--Am I still a Martha, always preparing to be a Christian, but never quite making it?
--Are my religious edges and boundaries so hard that I cannot let Jesus into the center of my life?
--Do I need to surrender myself, commit or recommit my life...my soul and body...to God through Christ?
The good portion of Mary is to very simply say "yes" to God, sit at the feet of Jesus and allow Him in. Try it--surrender your life to God:
--In the quiet of your own soul.
--With a friend or fellow journeyer who's been there before.
--At the altar rail when you receive the Body and Blood of Christ.
Try it anywhere, but try it somewhere.
Amen.
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